Tell Your Story, Dump Your Baggage

Forget Me Knots


“Still, in a way, nobody sees a flower, really, it is so small, we haven’t the time, and to see it takes time, like to have a friend takes time.” - Georgia O’Keefe


Turning a knot into a turning point, takes time. How much of your lifetime are your devoting to growing forget me "knots"? Yes, this play on words involving perennials, has a message. (By the way, the flower in the picture is not a tulip, as some men would argue.)

We've all had friends who tell us to “get over it”. “Let it go.” “Just get on with it already.” Easier said than done, right?

To truly move ahead, you have to do a personal inventory. What’s the stuff you just can’t let go of? Here's the biggest clue. Which stories do you tell, over and over again, almost with the same wording every time someone is willing to listen?

So that’s the first clue. Your Stories.

Listen to your own stories, especially the ones you could tell strangers as well as family. You will hear the regrets, the frustration, the anger bursting through in your words, and your voice. Things that were never totally resolved, that hang on like weeds in your soul.

As a Coach, I hear the angst in the voice, and stories repeated session after session. The following is a true story told by a small business owner. I have made minor edits to her verbatim account, which will appear in "Creative Confessions" later this year.

As you read, pick out the phrases that tell you she has lots of unresolved baggage.

“I’d say that I have a lifelong history of low self esteem and low self worth, letting everybody else but me determine who I was and who I should be and how I should be. I thought that I should be somebody that makes other people happy, doesn’t rock the boat, and it would depend on the kind of situation I was in, friendship wise as to who I portrayed.

I was somebody that would tell you what I thought you wanted to hear. So that I did not rock the boat. As opposed to somebody who would tell you what you needed to hear, and deal with the waves.

As I look back my strongest and happiest time was when my marriage ended, I had this total fu attitude and lots of people were attracted to me. And then probably because of my history of low self esteem I got into a friendship that I thought was good and got me back into a cycle of telling you wanted to hear and what you wanted me to be.

Its ironic because I really didn’t think that being happy would be so hard, because that’s what I ever really wanted and it’s cost me friendships.

There were some communication glitches (in this friendship), we’ll call them, but had there been good communication we wouldn’t’ have had a problem. I suppose there may have been a problem but it might not have escalated, because with honesty and openness and communication… that’s speculation.

I had not been true to myself, there was a lot of situations that felt uncomfortable to me, because do unto others would have them do unto you, I didn’t think that someone would screw somebody over because I would never screw somebody over. It became apparent that this was a mind game, and because of my past history of abusive first marriage full of mind games, I realized how I let myself fall back into that pattern.

I confronted her about it, she lied and said that she never said that and doesn’t appreciate the gossip. And later on that night her husband phoned, and confronted me about confronting her and told me that he was with her the whole time and she had never said that, and asked if I was calling them both f’ing liars? So I left voicemail messages that I would pick up my stuff, and even with 2 vehicles in the driveway there was no answer at the door. The next day I had a message on the machine asking me not to go to her house again. The next day there was a fax with a notice of trespass against me, that I was not allowed on her property.”

Living in the NOW:

“Let your story go”

“Move away from your knots”

"Quite often I find in life that you go back into relationships whether they are healthy or not. And I thought I had made great strides, but I did not realize that I was still carrying baggage with me, which I why I got into these business relationships and friendships over the years.

Being self employed is a very long tough rewarding challenging exciting draining energizing journey that’s not for wimps. Neither is growing old, as my mom always tells me. Be prepared for lots of ups and lots of downs. I was thinking about how people come into your life for a reason, season and a lifetime. So I was thinking about my friend and smiled and said hi when I saw her years later, and she turned her head and walked past me.

So I was thinking the other day that I realized the reason was to teach me how it feels to be true to yourself and stand up for your own integrity and how much it can cost to do that. It was a 28 year friendship, but I wouldn’t change it."

Forget Me Nots as the Option

Legend says, that the tiny blue, pink and white perennials called Forget Me Nots (MFK) symbolize faith and enduring love.

Give yourself a bouquet, just as lovers did in medieval times.

Apparently, a knight and his lady were walking along the side of a river. He picked a posy of flowers, but because of the weight of his armour he fell into the river. As he was drowning he threw the posy to his loved one and shouted "Forget-me-not". This is a flower connected with romance and tragic fate. It was often worn by ladies as a sign of faithfulness and enduring love

When your story becomes part of your past, your language changes. You speak mostly in the “now”. You are able to take the memory and enjoy the turnaround. You live what you have learned.

As our entrepreneur finishes her story, think about what your own ending should be, once you've moved past your knots.

“I know I’m growing. Things don’t hang on, to shit, hurt and anger. I let go and let god. And I look for the lesson in everything because there is one. Sometimes its difficult but sometimes its not, you have to take it all.

Learn to slow down, I’ve been doing exceptionally well managing stress, I’m allergic to it, so now I just take a couple of deep breaths and tell myself that all I can do is the best I can do. One step at a time instead of looking at the whole buffet of tasks, just take one serving. It’s a lot easier.”

This week's assignment from your Coach on Call:

Listen to your own story. Edit. Release. Move on.

If you need to bounce this concept, just call or leave a comment. All responses are individual. I do not publish any comments.

- Maggie

Photo Credit this week: Joni Sharkey

Rock Em, Sock Em but Pre-Plan

How to Never End Up Between a Rock and a Hard Place – Again

Time to read, and re-read: 10 minutes
Time to process and act: a few hours

Call it angst, torment or even just worry. When you’re stuck in that tight spot and nothing seems to make sense, how do you emerge? Bruised from battle or wiser for the effort – or both? Like this photo of a birch tree valiantly growing through a crevice on the shores of Lake Superior - purposefully posted sideways - it's hard to keep our perspective "real".

Let me suggest that you prepare in advance. Chances are, you are going to be in crisis situation, or have a deep decision to make at some point! Pre-planning can simplify even the worst of events. If you’re not ready right now, print off this page and keep it with your important documents for future reference.

This method, using 3 key questions about prioritizing important issues or ideas comes from the field of Developmental Coaching. When you judge your own thinking, you set limits on the possibilities available to you.

These 3 questions open up the process for you, so that, in effect, you are working backwards to your top priorities. I like the way author Stephen King refers to the “Boys in the Basement” as the judges who trash new ideas. By being aware of your internal garbage can, you are already on track. The 3 questions move you forward.

Here’s how to proceed.

Example: To keep this example on the lighter side, let’s say that you are trying to decide whether or not to leave your current employment and venture into entrepreneurship. Or, perhaps you are considering retirement, yet something is holding you back. Trying to quit smoking or lose weight? No matter what the problem, the 3 questions work.

Question 1: What’s Important?

Using a large notebook and coloured markers – a technique which gets a message to your innovative and abstract right brain – you list as many “important” features of entrepreneurship – retirement – health. Work on one problem at a time! So if you’re thinking about starting a business, stick with that and don’t confuse the boys in the basement by trying to simultaneously quit smoking.

At this stage, however, remember that your job also affects your family, your quality of life and spiritual expression, your hobbies, your vacations and obviously, your finances. If it’s important to you from any aspect, jot that information down in point form. Key words, no more than 7 words per item, tell your story. Be as specific as possible.

You don’t have to do this at one sitting. Try to add to the list at different times of the day, especially when you are either really relaxed, or very frustrated. Have fun, play; don’t take yourself too seriously!

When you have recorded 100 items, it’s time to move to Question 2, “What’s Really Important”

Question 2: What’s Really Important?

Using another coloured marker, circle or underline no more than 20 items from your first list. You must start to make clear choices. At times, combining one idea with another will create a burst of new thinking. Open yourself to bubbles of creativity while you are working on these lists. Add to the original list at any time.

Record the 20 items, on a separate pages, and elaborate on each. Ask yourself more questions, such as, “When this happens, what will it feel like, sound like, taste like?” “Who can help make this happen?” “What are the consequences if this doesn’t work out?” “What’s the cost? Financial? Relationships? Energy?” “What will become easier? More difficult?”

You’ll find that your thinking leads to 5 categories:
1. Financial, money issues
2. Mental, intellectual, emotional elements
3. Physical health and wellness
4. Relationships and social connections
5. Things you own and have to maintain


Question 3: What’s Most Important?

From the top 20, find the most important items. These represent your “heartbeat”, the things that make you tick, that you are reluctant to give up.

Circle them, using another colour once again. Try to narrow down the list to no more than 5 items. Three is optimal.

There are beliefs and truths embedded in the core of these choices. List these beliefs. Ask yourself, “How do I know these beliefs are true?” “What assumptions am I making?


Target Your Actions

This short list becomes the “bible” you follow. You know you are on track when your behavior matches your intentions. Let me just say that again, in case you are speed-reading. Your behavior, what you do every day, must match your intentions consistently.

Say, for example, that one of your most important choices is to increase your health and fitness. You intend to get out of bed at 6 am, and then exercise for 30 minutes. You are into the program for 2 weeks, and then you are scheduled for an out of town assignment. While you’re away, you don’t have time to follow your routine. When you return, you are tired. You think about getting back on the treadmill or out for a walk, but something seems to be holding you back. Is your behavior matching your intention? When the truth be told, is health and fitness really one of your MOST important choices?

Start over.

TO DO: Set measurements and timelines. Track your items daily. Be very specific. WSD (write stuff down); keep using the big notebook! Adjust your actions according to what is happening in your life, just don’t give up on your promises to yourself.

Stick with clear intentions, honest actions and steadfast movement in the direction you have chosen. Remember your commitment to yourself.

One More Example: “Sweet, Spirit-centred Simplicity”

With a bit of practice, you can shorten your 3 priorities into a mini phrase. Mine is: “Sweet, Spirit-centred Simplicity”. When I need to make a decision, whether it’s about grocery shopping or working with a corporate client, I ask myself: Is this sweet – does my intuition say yippee? Is there fun involved? Is this spirit-centred – am I acting according to my beliefs and values? Is this simple – are there hints of chaos involved? Is this too complex to break down into clear steps?

That’s why I don’t go grocery shopping on Saturday afternoons, and perhaps why I choose a small independent grocery store. Give me easy parking, short line-ups, smiling cashiers and fresh produce, and I won’t even look at the difference in prices. My beliefs and assumptions about life and work are mirrored in my shopping habits. They also apply to my entrepreneurial career, and my relationships with family and friends.

When you know what’s most important to you, life gets easier, work flows and relationships prosper. You can sleep well at night, knowing that you are functioning in the moment, instead of trying to herd cats and line up your ducks. What’s most important becomes your reputation and, in time, your legacy.

If you have questions, or need a coach to coach you through the questions, all you have to do is post a comment. No strings attached.

- Maggie

D Day

3 Design Secrets

If you’re into writing lists, or thinking things through in your head, it’s time to try a new strategy! The “D” words in the Ideas DU Jour list, all point to using a Different Design method… one that’s scared you since childhood, if you’re part of the mainstream. It’s called DRAWING. Feared by many, used by few as a problem solving technique. Get over it! Your teacher gave you that D grade how many years ago?

Drawing is part of design....think systematically like an architect. What's connected to what? What are the functions? Where are the aesthetics? Solutions are systems...let your mind work it through.

Secret 1: Buy a cheap LARGE scrapbook or use flip chart paper. Start doodling about the ideas you are trying to develop. Create a DESIGN for the DILEMMA by using a metaphor. If this situation were a moving thing, what would it be? For example, would “it” be an island surrounded by water? Draw it… don’t worry about being the artist…just doodle away and enjoy. Music helps! What is on your island? Any bugs in the sand? Look up…is it night or day? Windy or calm? Hot or cold? Who’s on shore, in a boat, who is approaching? Who is not around? What do you want on this island? Get the idea?

Secret 2: While you’re at it, Discover a new use, dig just a little deeper. Doze off, or walk away from the project for a while. If you decide to nap, pay attention to what’s happening in your mind on the way into sleep, and also when you’re re-entering the awake zone. Your mind is in Delta, moving into Theta, the perfect spot for creativity to emerge. You just might find some answers in that sleepy state!

Secret 3: Read the archives, and take a good look at the Ideas du Jour A, B and C. I’m the Coach on Call…all you have to do to get some help is email me! maggiechicoine@gmail.com There's no charge for your first visit!

PS Have fun!

Maggie

Know How to Bop Your Brain

Inside Tips to Bop Your Brain


You know the old saying, “less is more”? Less thinking = more flexibility. Your overloaded synapses – the little bridges in your mind that transport ideas from one quadrant to another – need to settle down in a parking lot.

This week’s blog is about the letter B – or BE, as in Sinatra’s old tune, Do BE do BE do! “Be” is your bargaining chip, the leverage point!

As your Coach on call, here’s what I recommend for idea generation and problem solving. Let your mind wander for a while… anything that shuts down the outside clammer and busy-ness. Not new… but a great technique…

1. As you wind down into sleep, pay attention to what you’re thinking about. Flip your language into solution mode.
2. Awake at 4 am? Turn the grrrrrrrr into a whrrrrrrrr of asking for more information from your intuitive side. You’ll fall into a deeper sleep.
3. Listen to your thoughts as you are waking up. The clues will be there, IF you are focused.

Experiment with your thinking in the bathtub...... or when you’re scrubbing up in the shower.

Your theta zone is triggered when you are “Be-Laxed” (not a typo!).

Keep a list, and then let the best of the best surface. Generate new combinations, and then take a bite of the best. Chew on it for a while.

Borrow chunks from other sources, recombine, play! Become the concept for a few minutes each day. BE it, just for the heck of it, allow yourself to get uncomfortable!

By the way, a certified Coach knows how to get you into BE mode. Call me when you need help!

Be-u-tifully yours,
Maggie

Join us for Leverage Tuesdays

More about 7 Ways to Slap Your Forehead

See the list on your right!

The Ohhhhh!!!!!! Moment can be elusive; when you need a trigger to get your innovation going again, this is the place to be!

This first set of 7 ways to leverage your ideas… aka slap your head!… all start with the letter A. What’s with that? I’ve categorized this blog alphabetically and numerically as well as using the calendar week, starting with a Tuesday. Analyzers and organizers with strong left-brain tendencies will appreciate the logic, won’t you? The blog postings will be rambling notes and stories, specifically for the emotional touches and the abstract why the heck not right brainers. Ask me about the HBDI if you’d like to learn more about all of this.

Let’s take a look at these 7 points on this 1st list.

Speaking out is a common stuck point... One of yours?
When I teach communication skills, such as how to design presentations, how to get your point across at a meeting, how to negotiate with your boss or your mother, I encourage you to use a mind map. The central focus point of the map houses your key concept. State this concept in 7 words or less, and don’t just stick with the first phrase that comes to mind. You have to work at fine-tuning the concept, because all of the remainder of your content springs from these few key words. This method is called, “Say It In 7™”. Think about cartoon strips: a few words say it all!

“Say It In 7™” needs a strong metaphor attached to it. Use a powerful verb that implies action. The phrase is more than an advertising slogan or a headline. It’s the core of your message.

Try at least 10 different versions! When I birthed the “Say It In 7™” technique, I started with the idea of
§ “just use a few words to say it”
§ “start with a key idea”
§ “stay with a key word”
§ “central message key to central map”
§ “seven words are the max”
§ “In focus with 7 words or less”
§ “Start with a key concept”
§ “Just say it”
§ “Say It In 7™”

Analyze and recombine a variety of elements. Reading over my list above, you’ll notice that all of the versions contributed to the final product. I find it helpful to write ideas on stickies, re-cluster to analyze. Can you make the phrase even shorter and snappier? Abbreviate it. Switch the words around. Make it into a question. Change the verb... there's power in strong actions. And ask a bunch of others for their comments, such as kids and older people. Intergenerational input points out the best features, and suggests options for your weaker ingredients. Listen for the negatives...there are clues about what you haven't totally considered yet!

You might have the best idea on the planet, but it’s all in the timing! Chew over the potential impact of launching your product, confronting your manager or presenting a new recipe to your family on the wrong day or at a strange hour of the day. Think about the BEST timing, for you and for anyone else involved in your venture. Just because you’re so excited and can’t hold back, doesn’t mean they will be!

Which brings us to Ahhhhhhh time! Let the concept rest for a time. Like roast beef fresh from the oven, it’s important to let the juices sit where they belong, just for a while. Slicing too quickly makes your dinner, and your concept – tough and dry. The flash of creative thinking is only the beginning of the process. Don’t rush…hush….

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Oooooh!ly yours,
Maggie