Tell Your Story, Dump Your Baggage

Forget Me Knots


“Still, in a way, nobody sees a flower, really, it is so small, we haven’t the time, and to see it takes time, like to have a friend takes time.” - Georgia O’Keefe


Turning a knot into a turning point, takes time. How much of your lifetime are your devoting to growing forget me "knots"? Yes, this play on words involving perennials, has a message. (By the way, the flower in the picture is not a tulip, as some men would argue.)

We've all had friends who tell us to “get over it”. “Let it go.” “Just get on with it already.” Easier said than done, right?

To truly move ahead, you have to do a personal inventory. What’s the stuff you just can’t let go of? Here's the biggest clue. Which stories do you tell, over and over again, almost with the same wording every time someone is willing to listen?

So that’s the first clue. Your Stories.

Listen to your own stories, especially the ones you could tell strangers as well as family. You will hear the regrets, the frustration, the anger bursting through in your words, and your voice. Things that were never totally resolved, that hang on like weeds in your soul.

As a Coach, I hear the angst in the voice, and stories repeated session after session. The following is a true story told by a small business owner. I have made minor edits to her verbatim account, which will appear in "Creative Confessions" later this year.

As you read, pick out the phrases that tell you she has lots of unresolved baggage.

“I’d say that I have a lifelong history of low self esteem and low self worth, letting everybody else but me determine who I was and who I should be and how I should be. I thought that I should be somebody that makes other people happy, doesn’t rock the boat, and it would depend on the kind of situation I was in, friendship wise as to who I portrayed.

I was somebody that would tell you what I thought you wanted to hear. So that I did not rock the boat. As opposed to somebody who would tell you what you needed to hear, and deal with the waves.

As I look back my strongest and happiest time was when my marriage ended, I had this total fu attitude and lots of people were attracted to me. And then probably because of my history of low self esteem I got into a friendship that I thought was good and got me back into a cycle of telling you wanted to hear and what you wanted me to be.

Its ironic because I really didn’t think that being happy would be so hard, because that’s what I ever really wanted and it’s cost me friendships.

There were some communication glitches (in this friendship), we’ll call them, but had there been good communication we wouldn’t’ have had a problem. I suppose there may have been a problem but it might not have escalated, because with honesty and openness and communication… that’s speculation.

I had not been true to myself, there was a lot of situations that felt uncomfortable to me, because do unto others would have them do unto you, I didn’t think that someone would screw somebody over because I would never screw somebody over. It became apparent that this was a mind game, and because of my past history of abusive first marriage full of mind games, I realized how I let myself fall back into that pattern.

I confronted her about it, she lied and said that she never said that and doesn’t appreciate the gossip. And later on that night her husband phoned, and confronted me about confronting her and told me that he was with her the whole time and she had never said that, and asked if I was calling them both f’ing liars? So I left voicemail messages that I would pick up my stuff, and even with 2 vehicles in the driveway there was no answer at the door. The next day I had a message on the machine asking me not to go to her house again. The next day there was a fax with a notice of trespass against me, that I was not allowed on her property.”

Living in the NOW:

“Let your story go”

“Move away from your knots”

"Quite often I find in life that you go back into relationships whether they are healthy or not. And I thought I had made great strides, but I did not realize that I was still carrying baggage with me, which I why I got into these business relationships and friendships over the years.

Being self employed is a very long tough rewarding challenging exciting draining energizing journey that’s not for wimps. Neither is growing old, as my mom always tells me. Be prepared for lots of ups and lots of downs. I was thinking about how people come into your life for a reason, season and a lifetime. So I was thinking about my friend and smiled and said hi when I saw her years later, and she turned her head and walked past me.

So I was thinking the other day that I realized the reason was to teach me how it feels to be true to yourself and stand up for your own integrity and how much it can cost to do that. It was a 28 year friendship, but I wouldn’t change it."

Forget Me Nots as the Option

Legend says, that the tiny blue, pink and white perennials called Forget Me Nots (MFK) symbolize faith and enduring love.

Give yourself a bouquet, just as lovers did in medieval times.

Apparently, a knight and his lady were walking along the side of a river. He picked a posy of flowers, but because of the weight of his armour he fell into the river. As he was drowning he threw the posy to his loved one and shouted "Forget-me-not". This is a flower connected with romance and tragic fate. It was often worn by ladies as a sign of faithfulness and enduring love

When your story becomes part of your past, your language changes. You speak mostly in the “now”. You are able to take the memory and enjoy the turnaround. You live what you have learned.

As our entrepreneur finishes her story, think about what your own ending should be, once you've moved past your knots.

“I know I’m growing. Things don’t hang on, to shit, hurt and anger. I let go and let god. And I look for the lesson in everything because there is one. Sometimes its difficult but sometimes its not, you have to take it all.

Learn to slow down, I’ve been doing exceptionally well managing stress, I’m allergic to it, so now I just take a couple of deep breaths and tell myself that all I can do is the best I can do. One step at a time instead of looking at the whole buffet of tasks, just take one serving. It’s a lot easier.”

This week's assignment from your Coach on Call:

Listen to your own story. Edit. Release. Move on.

If you need to bounce this concept, just call or leave a comment. All responses are individual. I do not publish any comments.

- Maggie

Photo Credit this week: Joni Sharkey

Opposites Attract

Most people don’t enter a relationship carrying a spreadsheet. The phrase, “opposites attract” might explain any unsettling differences in viewpoints and behaviors.

The same principle applies when comparing the extremes of a continuum, a line that connects two polarities. Lets look at the concept of “opposites attract” in another context: the scope of being “resilient” and “vulnerable”.

When you think about being resilient, you might describe yourself as being flexible, bouncing back, stretching when the need arises. What about the definition of vulnerability? Weak, defenseless, exposed: the flip underside world of losing, sucking wind, disappointment and failure.

“Who me? Vulnerable? No way. Things will get better. No, I’m not sleeping all that well right now, but I’ll work it out. Don’t worry. I’m not feeling vulnerable!”

Hear the denial?

On the other hand, resiliency brings self-respect, pride and honour to the table. “Wow, I handled that situation well! I’ll never fall into that trap again. I learned a lot from the experience!”

Being vulnerable, and being resilient are the two bookends of a continuum. At one end, vulnerability exposes our challenges, frailties and humanness. At the other, resiliency brings hope, value, strength and influence into our lives. A strong thread connects the two states of being, pulling and pushing as experiences and situations come your way.

Why Vulnerability Is Good For You

The more you can learn about resilience, the easier it is to admit to being vulnerable. Don’t think of the “V” word as “all or nothing”. Consider instead, that you may be having problems with finances, but your relationships are solid. Your career might be changing tracks, but your zest for learning shows huge potential. Your caregiving responsibilities may not leave time for vacations, but your health is at an all time high.

Resilience means that you can shift when you need to. You can ask for help. You can dig up new resources and deal with the unexpected without falling apart. You can find the valve to release the pressure.

Admit to being vulnerable at times.


Resilience is Learned

Start by figuring out your priorities. If they haven’t changed in the last 10 years, it’s time to do some updating, cleaning out your personal closet of lifestyle choices.

• Ask yourself, what are the milestones you expect to reach before too long?
• What do you commit yourself to doing?
• What are the gaps and the bottlenecks?
• What can you do “now” to make sure that you have an elastic band type plan for when things might get tough?
  
  Resilience is proactive, and preventative.

Who do you know who is the poster child of resilience? Take them out for coffee, and ask about how they’ve handled difficulties and obstacles. Get the inside track; give them credit for their good advice; and use the best of the best from multiple sources.

Usually, resilience is found right in front of your nose. Ask yourself the right questions, and you might discover an extra ounce of insight that’s been invisible, until now.

Your coach on call, no strings attached,
Maggie

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7 Ways to Slap Your Forehead

Sitting in a puddle of ideas these days? Got all the right pieces but the picture on the puzzle cover doesn’t fit? What used to work isn’t working any more? Sucked out of energy by someone you work with? Or worse yet, a relative you’re living with?

Enough of the questions… welcome! Whatever your situation, there’s a way to figure things out, and that’s why we’re here, at the MAG-OH!-ZINE. Let’s chat about this blog and why it's important. (BTW, the real reason is, “I care!”)

A bit of background… for 21 years, I've had the privilege of jumping into the busy-ness of companies, organizations, relationships. Some have been looking for ways to get better at being the best. Others have been struggling, taking their last breath, or starting up a new initiative. They have all asked for an outside perspective on strategy, creativity, leverage! These requests have come from unlikely places, such as tribal leaders in Africa, board Executives in Australia, community groups in Minnesota, metropolitan convention centres and the boonies of northern Canada. Whether it was a CEO in Boston or an entrepreneur in Borup's corners, the message was the same. Help us figure things out. I do.

For my official bio, just go here.


3 Things You and I Both Know:

Whether you're a CEO or a part-timer, you have your own perspectives and perceptions about what's going on around your company. Listening to the chatter in the parking lot, everyone has an opinion about what's wrong, and what's working well. All too often, though, messages get buried under routines and criss-crossed by interference such as assumptions, unstated ideas, shakey skills and egos. Power, control, ambition, behaviors...complex stuff! Have you noticed that the same issues also happen on the homefront?



The bottom line is this:

1. We say we can do things better; yet everyday behaviors don’t support what we
say. Our intentions don't match what actually happens.

2. Important ideas are not being heard by the power brokers. Or there's a perception that ideas aren't being heard - you have no influence - that's when "we have a communication problem around here".

3. Leaders cannot expect their organizations to change if they, themselves are stuck. "THEY DON'T GET IT" is stated as, "My boss should be here to learn this stuff!"

I’ll be sharing some real stories about organizations, and how they’ve taken a slice of the obvious to turn things around, starting with their own leadership styles.

So this is STRATEGIC SYSTEMS THINKING – or, as I like to call it, Figuring Things Out. My specialty is LEVERAGE – how do you get the most from an idea, a system and its people, processes and products? How can you do this simply? How do you focus on spirit-centred intentions? How do you make work and life sweet? Yes, there is hope!

7 is The Number

This blog is about finding answers and inspiration. Here’s how it works. Every day, a new IDEA DU JOUR will be posted. Every week, the blog post will go into detail about the 7 ideas du jour. I will be offering you triggers and tidbits, so that you can slap your forehead and shout out, “Oh! I get it!!”!

You’ll notice that every idea is expressed in 7 words or less. There’s power in “Say It In 7™”, one of the most important concepts in thinking strategically. I’ll explain that next week!


My aim is to get release the chatter in your head and talk about what matters most to you. If you are stuck, bogged, muddled, write in! Let’s figure “it” out…. Welcome to the Mag!

- Maggie


You can also visit the website at http://www.theideasculptor.com/ .